Jokes

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"

I remember as a child we had this antique Victorian globe.

It wasn't very valuable, but it meant the world to us.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. - Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”.

Good that he will not bother me anymore.

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

Boy complains to his father: "You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!"

Father: "Really, what?"

Boy: "That the potato should go in the front."

My pet mouse, Elvis died today.

He was caught in a trap.

A wife finds out after 20 years of sex in the dark, her husband has been using a toy on her the whole time.

Explain the toy, shouts the wife.

You explain the kids replies the husband.