Jokes

My Mexican friend wrote a song about a tortilla.

Well actually, it's more of a wrap.

One eventful day 3 nuns were driving in a car when the car spun out of control crashing and killing all of them.

They went up to heaven and as they were waiting outside the gates into heaven st. peter appeared.

"Before I let you in you all have to answer 1 question for me" he said. He turns to the first nun and says "Who were the two first people on the earth created by god?"

The nun responded by saying "adam and eve". St. peter acccepted her answer and let her into heaven.

He then turns to the second nun and says "Where did adam and eve live? ". The nun responded by saying " The garden of eden ". St. peter accepted this answer as well and let this nun into heaven

He then turns to the last nun and says " this question is a little bit more difficult. What was the first thing that eve said to adam?" The nun stood there and thought about this question for a while. Not knowing what the answer is she goes " Thats a hard one ".

St. peter says "correct " and lets her into heaven.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Dad: "son, if you keep masturbating you go blind"

Son: "dad I'm over here"

Why is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone

I was a manager at a ladder company

They asked me to step down

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s fine now, she woke up.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.

I needed a running start, but I made it!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.