Jokes

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity?

It’s impossible to put down.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you…

…an iWitness?!

I went to buy a goldfish today.

Would you like an aquarium ? Asked the pet shop owner.

I don't care what star sign it is I replied.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.

She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.

On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”

She said, “How about now?”

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.

Thank you all for coming.

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is steadily getting better