Jokes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world - every single women will adore him.'

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling
good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.....










The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

(Lol no offence if any ladies DO happen to read this joke! )

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman decide to attend a brothel together. After a long discussion it is decided that the Scotsman should go in first.

After 15 minutes he comes out grinning, "Och lads" he says "she put a doughnut over ma cock, added some cream an' ate the lot, all for £15"

The Englishman, runs in.

After 20 minutes he comes out, beaming from ear to ear "My god, she put a doughnut and a pineapple ring over my cock, covered it in cream and ate it, best £20 I have ever spent"

The Irish man virtually burst the door down.

After 30 minutes he returned, looking all red and flustered. "Be Jezus, she put a doughnut and pineapple ring over me cock, covered it in cream, chocolate sauce, sprinkles and put a cherry on top."

"Then she ate it?" asked the others.

"Nah! Fuck that, for £30 it look so good I ate the fucker myself"

One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John's mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:

Dear Ma,
I'm not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains, It's missing.
Love,
John

This was her response...

Dear John,
I'm not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
Love,
Mom

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should
be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain,"
Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you
really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies
are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh
.equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

" Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Why I Fired My Secretary...

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning.

I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember.

My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For
The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!"


It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day.
Let's Go!"

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go.

We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two
Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If
You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".

And I Just Sat There...


On The Couch...


Naked.

I'm dyslexic and 7 windmills was my idea.

After 15 years with my wife our sex life has gone a bit stale, so to spice things up I bought her a dildo.

She says it looks like a big orange carrot...

...ironically...

...her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"