Jokes

Three Irish men in a pub talking....

Mick says "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician, I was looking for something under the bed and found some wire cutters, and they weren't mine!"

Paddy looks in disbelief, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, I found a pipe wrench under our bed, and it isn't mine!"

Murphy can't beleive what he is hearing says "I think my wife is fucking a horse!"

"WHAT!?!?" the others cry, almost choking on their Guinness.

"Well I came home from work early the other day and found a Jockey under the bed!"

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a whore.

So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.
That shut her up.

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."

I was recently at a night club, and tried to avoid being humiliated by going up to the ugliest, fattest chick and asking, "hey babe, wanna suck me off?" - but it was to no avail, she merely replied, "not in a million years".
I ended up at home alone having a wank and crying.
You may be wondering what the joke is here.

It's me.

Connecting you with a random stranger. Say Hi!

You: Hey

Stranger: hi

Stranger: r u male or female

You: Female.

Stranger: u horny

You: Was that a question?

Stranger: yh

You: Try using one of these then. --> ?

Stranger: wat

Stranger: oh this ?

You: Yep.

Stranger: u horny?

You: Better.. But still not a complete sentence..

Stranger: r u horny?

You: So close.. But R and U are not words..

Stranger: are you horny?

You: Almost there!

Stranger: Are you horny?

You: no

You Have Disconnected

When I woke up this morning I really needed a shit! I quickly rushed downstairs and ate my frosties.

When I'd finished I rushed up stairs, brushed my teeth and looked at the loo as I felt poo pushing down, but instead of going I shot off on my way to work in the hope of not being late.

I hopped on the train and glared at the toilet, refusing to go to the public stink basin and squeezing my cheeks together, trying not to let anything get out.

I left the station passing more and more public stink tanks, I opened the door to work as a log was started to creep throught my cheeks.

Rushing across the office as it started to slide down my leg, I raced into the loo and whipped down my pants.

As I sat down I smiled to myself ' I'm getting paid for doing this'

Last night, my computer's Internet screen froze in the middle of one of my wanks.
But worse: My Dad caught me in the act and went absolutely mental - Demanding how i had got past the Norton Antivirus Protection which stopped me from going on most websites - which my mum had set up.
So i told him how,
"Excellent, cheers son!" he replied.

my mate at work says his sex life is like cillit bang,i said"how come?" he replied" whenever i get a chance of a shag,its BANG,and the dirt is gone"

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared "You don't have enough badges to control me!"