Jokes

When I meet a new women, I immediately start talking about global warming.

It’s a real ice breaker

A recent questionaire asked 100 women if their c#*t twitched after sex.
98% replied no he usually just rolls over and falls asleep

I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off
at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those
pounds before you know it."

"My fucking scarf's trapped in the door, you arsehole," she replied.

My friend was suggesting we watch a movie...

He said, "The Matrix?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "Avatar?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "Lord of the Rings?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "Batman?"
I said, "Seen it."

He said, "My mum's minge."
I said, "Seen it."

"Ha ha," he said, "I knew you weren't listening."
I said, "Yes I was."

I know a transvestite from the north of England.

He's got a Wigan address.

Sadly my friend Gavin died from chronic heartburn.

Can't believe Gaviscon.

I can't believe it....just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra. Nobody is taking it harder than my poor old Nan!

Been a bit pissed off with my wife recently. She keeps saying I'm tight and I never take her out.

So. I proved her wrong - took her out for tea and biscuits - the posh ones and it was really nice.

Quite exciting as well in a way as she's never given blood before.

As the wife and I headed off on a romantic vacation we talked about what
kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be hand cuffed"

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase ...

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”