Jokes

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.

Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"

The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.

The guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"

The other man replies "I know do you really think i asked for a 10 inch BIC"

a young Eskimo was out fishing in his kayak

it was colder than he thought so he chopped up half his boat and lit a small fire with the wood to keep him warm

unfortunately it was a bad idea and his boat caught fire and sank

the moral of this tale

you can't halve your kayak and heat it

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"

The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work.

On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.

Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.

At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning.

For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches.

Then at night, I give the wife another screw......."

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

Stepping out of the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of simply telling her it's not so, the husband jokingly comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

Wife asks me in the middle of the night: "What time is it?"

I said "Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out."

Played my trombone when the neighbour shouted at the top of his voice: ‘WHO’S PLAYING THAT FUCKING TROMBONE AT 2.30 IN THE MORNING???"

1. What kind of button can you not undo?

A belly button


2. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener


3. What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time ⌚


4. What is the most shocking city in the world?

Electricity ⚡


5. Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because sme relationships don't work out

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.

I needed a running start, but I made it!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you…

…an iWitness?!