Jokes

Tailor-made suit

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”

I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.”

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”

My wife and I were called in to see my teenage son's high school counselor yesterday. He said, "Are you aware of what he's been up to after school?" I said, "He told us he was doing table tennis." The counselor said, "He's certainly been doing Ping Pong. Unfortunately, she's his Chinese teacher."

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being.
Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.
She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She shows him.
Then she shows him again.
Then she shows him one more time.
When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"
He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive women waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly.
He's rather taken aback because he cant figure out where he knows her from so he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he blurts, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A handsome young Western Canadian lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stiches."

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother,
“Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”