Jokes

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.
He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

A man goes to a £10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says,

"What do you expect for ten pounds - Lobster?"

OK. This one's a little bit punny...

1. "Does this bus go to Tooting?"
"No. This bus goes 'Beep Beep Beep.'''


2. My dog, Minton, ate a shuttlecock last night.
Bad, Minton.


3. A sheepdog brought the flock back to the farm and told the shepherd, "Here's your 40 sheep." The farmer said, "But I only have 36".
The Sheepdog replied, "I know, but I rounded them up."


4. Why is it impossible to play hide-and-seek with Pokemon?
Because they always Pikachu.

Kid joke alert!

5. What do you call a chicken at The North Pole?
Lost

6. Why couldn't the owl go on a date in the rain?
Because it was too wet to woo.

Son: ”Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

Dad: ”Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”