Jokes

A priest's getting a flat tire fixed.
As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's twat."
The priest says, "Then you better give 'em another turn."

What makes the Christmas alphabet different from normal?
The Christmas alphabet has Noël!

Q. What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A. "Wrap" music

Knock, knock...
Who there
Wanda.
Wanda who
Wanda hear another knock knock joke?

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. –

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

A pirate walks into the doctor’s office:

Pirate: Doc, you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?

Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!

A guy meets an attractive woman in a bar. They get along quite well, and after introducing themselves to each other, they share a booth and a bit to eat. Small talk and conversation follow, and the guy decides to "make his move".
He turns to her and says, "So, how's about you and me go play 'Magic'?"
"Magic??" she says, "What's that?"
"We go to my house and have wild, passionate sex all night, and then you disappear."

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc.

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."