Jokes

why its not easy being a dick
you have one eye you can not see with. A head you can not think with. You hang out with a couple of nuts.your closest neighbour is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish.... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.
That shut her up.

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.

He's going to be their bow selector.


The makers of TomTom have brought out a new sat nav system that speaks like Mr T.

It'll take you anywhere except the airport.


A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.



My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.



You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screen saver is on.




I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

1024×768.



The other week, one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "Pick up your phone and pledge."
I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.




I work as a postman.

The pay isn't great, but anything addressed to 'Cash 4 Gold' is a good bonus.




Here's a bit of advice for you.

Advi.




I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?"

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.
The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"
"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit."
"WHAT? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"
Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.
The second guy said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.
"It ain't gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."
"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers.
In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit?"
"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

The McCartney kids are at the family home anxiously awaiting news of their mother.
Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"