Jokes

I recently gave up singing to make porn.

Now its your turn, Cheryl.

Please.

If you were given the choice between having your head stamped in by a group of chavs, or going down on Susan Boyle, what shoes would you ask them to wear?

I've just come out of a coma after 14 years,

And Windows 95 was my idea.

Bought an advent calendar from woolworths, all the fucking windows are boarded up.

Why do scotsmen have blue willies?

Because they are tight fisted wankers.

So I parked my big 4x4 in the disabled parking bay at Tesco. Some do-gooder shouted "Oi, what’s your disability then mate?!".

I shouted "Tourettes you fuckin wanker, now piss off !!!".

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that’s a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob."

The Queen was visiting one of London’s top NHS hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors" orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a blow job.

"Oh my", said the Queen,"What’s happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he’s with BUPA"

a pirate walks into a pub with a ships wheel in front of his trousers and his dick poking thru the middle of it.the landlord said,hey blackbeard!"youve got your dick stuck in a steering wheel".the pirate replies"arrrr,i know,its driving me nuts"

I installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that I can turn my lights on and off by just lying in bed clapping my hands.
I never really thought that one through...
Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.