Jokes

Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right.

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."

Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.

There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?"

St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.

Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved.

Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice."

The man then asks, "So where is Donald Trump's clock?"

St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"

I used to work in a shoe recycling factory.

I had to leave because it was sole destroying.

A guy lies on bed, reads a book.

His girlfriend comes from behind and starts clapping on his ass.

Guy:- What are you doing?

Playing percussion.

Would you like to play the flute?

To make it stand u wet it.

To make it wet, u suck it.

To make it stuff, u lick it.

To get it in, u push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke!

The teacher asks Timmy 'why is your cat at school today?'

Timmy says, crying. 'Because i heard daddy say to mommy,

'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave!'

So I'm saving him!'

Why do women continue to buy men gifts, when the two best gift are free?

Blowjobs and silence

A friend thought he would set up a dating site for chickens. He soon closed it because it wasn't making much money.

He was struggling to make hens meet.