Jokes

I've been told I'm getting fat.

But in my defence I've had a lot on my plate recently.

I got angry earlier and smashed up my computer keyboard.

I totally lost CTRL

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three pounds

Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me:

“If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

I bought an old record the other day called "Sounds Wasps Make" but when I played it, it sounded nothing like wasps.

I was playing the bee side.

bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.