Jokes

Every now and then, me and the wife have a cheese and wine party.

I get my cheesy knob out and she whines about having to suck it.

A man is having a problem getting an erection so he goes to see
his doctor. The doctor runs all kinds of tests and finally
decides that he can cure the man.

"There is nothing wrong with you physically," explains the doctor
"you're just suffering from 'performance anxiety.'"

"Well what can I do?" asks the man

"My advice is to wait until your wife is asleep and then reach
down between her legs and get a little of her love juice on your
finger and rub it under your nose. This will stimulate your brain
and should result in an erection. With your wife asleep there
will be no performance anxiety. Once the desired effect is
achieved, wake up your wife and make love to her"

This makes perfect sense to the man and he can't wait to get home
and try it that night.

After his wife has gone to sleep he follows the doctor's advice
and reaches down between her legs, gets some of her love juice
and rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute
or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs
some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he
knows he has a full erection. He is so happy he can't wait to
show his wife and share the good news. He wakes her up and says
excitedly'

"Look honey, look what I have!!"

She rolls over, looks at him and says,

"You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a
bloody nose??"

Of all the thousands of millions of websites there are on the Internet, whenever I am on my computer, I only end up going on 3:
Facebook, Pornhub, and Sickipedia - in that order.
No new notifications, have a wank, then joke about it.

My life is so depressing.

One day, Farmer Bob is in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an
anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of
chickens and a goose.

Farmer Bob, realizing he must find a way to carry all of his
purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice.

The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Bob, and off he goes.

While walking he meets a young woman. She tells him she is lost,
and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

Farmer Bob says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit
my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and
go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."

The girl says, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you
won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish
me?"

Farmer Bob says, "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"

The girl replies, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."

If a ginger has an erection, does it look like a rocket taking off?

Note to self, when hiring a prostitute whilst on holiday in Amsterdam, never again ask her to "sit on my face" in a 'shilly dutch akshent'

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was “OCCUPIED”. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!”. Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”.

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!” The nurse replied, “Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the “ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!”

What do you call an afghan virgin
Mever bin laid on

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.