Jokes

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls.

He goes to the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it.

He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall holder tells him he only serves cold custard.

He crawls to the final stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells dream topping.

The man cries in anguish and asks why the market only sells jelly, cold custard and dream topping but no water.

The stall holder replies 'yes, it is a trifle bizarre, isn't it!'.

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

What did the testicle torture enthusiast say after a long day?

Ahhh, time to hit the sack.

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"

Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"

Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

A dad is washing his car with his son..

The son says : "Dad, can't you use a sponge?"

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”

Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?

A: So you don’t have to retrain them every Monday.

Why is being a dick not all it’s cracked up to be?

-First of all you have a head but no brains; there’s a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a cunt.

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people one night.

He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. “Listen to the sound of my voice…”, he kept repeating, “the sound of my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…”

Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced “I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone” And then he repeated the words “the sound of my voice… every word is a command.”

As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his ass, and yelled “SHIT!”.