Jokes

My wife just tried to cut off my penis..

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia..

He went out all buns glazing.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,

"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97.

Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.

"That's why I want it lowered!"

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.

“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.

“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.

“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.”

He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

Jerry: “I’ve eaten beef all my life and now I’m as strong as a bull.”

Paul: “That is queer. I’ve eaten fish all my life and yet I can’t swim a stroke.”

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away.

The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands..

No canaries there either.

What's the difference between my wife and Gollum?

A ring actually means something to Gollum.