Jokes

Don’t be picking on Justin Briber. He saved my life! I was in an accident and in a coma for six weeks.
The nurse came in and turned on the TV and Justin was singing, I got up and turned it off.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 Camels for my wife..

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

My brother didn't like jail..

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

What day of the week do most married men have sex?

Tomorrow

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stunning blonde wearing running clothes saying "If you catch me, I'm yours" all over the top. He tried his best to catch her but failed miserably every day of the week, but he lost the 10 pounds.

For the next week he asked them if they had a more intensive option to lose even more weight. They offered a 20 pounds in a week program. This time his trainer was an even more gorgeous brunette wearing nothing but running sneakers, running shorts and a sports bra with the same writing over the bra. He once again failed miserably, but lost the 20 pounds.

Finally, the week after that he inquired about an even more intense program and was offered a 30 pounds per week weight loss program. This time instead of his trainer being a gorgeous girl, it was a buff guy wearing nothing but a G-string and a tank top saying "If I catch you, you're mine". That week the man lost 60 pounds.

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important thing!"
The lungs retorted: "We provide air, you all can't live without it."
The heart joined in: "Yeah? Let's see you all do it without the blood I pump!"
The hands said: "We do all the work!"
The legs replied: "Well we carry you all everywhere!"
But then, suddenly, the asshole joined the conversation: "It is obviously me!"
"Are you out of your mind?" - everyone shouted, "You don't really do any work, we can do without you any day of the week!"
"Oh yeah? We'll see about that!" said the asshole, and clenched. And kept clenching hard for a whole week, and then another week after that...
Now the hands could do nothing but shake, the feet couldn't take even a step, all the other organs
were at their limit as well.
"Ok, ok you win! We see now that it was you all along!" everyone agreed.

Millennia have passed since then, but now, ever since that first lost argument, it's the biggest asshole that always tries to be in charge...

A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"

The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

Me : "Sorry I'm late, I had a breakdown on the way to work"
Boss : "Is your car with the mechanic then?"
Me : "Car ?"

A non smoker, a teetotaller and a vegan walk into a bar.

Everyone leaves because they hate being lectured by boring, self righteous cunts.