Jokes

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, "Wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go."

"Alright," says the man, "I want my penis to reach the floor".

So the shark ate his legs.

Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.

Fat Chicks always talking about sitting on somebody's Face.... Bitch that's Attempted Murder!

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription
to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it, "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and
right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had
carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"

A pompous self-made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On "Day One" the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school.

The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thusly, "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter, Miss Bates and my son, Master Bates."

"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "We will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth and sixth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."