Jokes

one day,satan challenges god to a football match-heaven vs hell.god says"we,ll win hands down.all the greatest players who ever lived are up here"the devil replies "thats true-but ive got all the referees and linesmen"

guy fawkes deserves a better reputation,he,s the only man ever to go into parliament with honest intentions

i went into manchester city the other day and this bloke asked me how to get into the ground, i said"you go round the corner and theres two big queues,a big one and a little one,dont join the big one its for the chippy"

quasimodo was running down the street being chased by a bunch of kids,pissed off,he turns around and shouts"for the last time-i havnt got your football"

a prostitute asks a scouser,do you want a blow job? he said"will it affect me dole money?"

my sister went to the hairdressers,she said"make me look like barbara streisand" so the lady hit her over the nose with the hairbrush.

im glad im not bisexual-i couldnt stand being rejected by men and woman

What does a guy and a car have in common?

They both have the ability to misfire.

Mrs. Morgenstein goes into Shecky's Deli at 9 am. and asks Shecky
for a dozen bagels. Shecky replies,

"Sorry Mrs. Morgenstein, we're out of bagels till 12 o'clock"

Mrs. Morgenstein is back at 10 am. and asks Shecky for a dozen
bagels, and Shecky answers,

"Sorry Mrs. Morgenstein, we're out of bagels till 12 o'clock."

Again at 11 am. Mrs. Morgenstein goes into the deli and asks
Shecky for a dozen bagels. Shecky replies.

"Mrs. Morgenstein, how do you spell 'cat' as in catastrophe?"

"C-A-T"

"Very good Mrs. Morgenstein, now how do you spell 'dog' as in
dogmatic?"

"D-O-G"

"Right Mrs. Morgenstein, now how do you spell 'fuck' as in
bagels?"
"There isn't any fuck in bagels" replies Mrs. Morgenstein!

"Exactly Mrs. Morgenstein. Come back at 12 o'clock."

"fuck" one liners.......

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy


"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

'Be Very Quiet' said the father to his son. Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field.'
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son...

'What's wrong?' The father asked. 'I told you to be quiet.'

The boy, bless his heart, answered; 'Dad! I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't curse or scratch when the poison oak started itching...

... but, I guess I just panicked...

...when the two squirrels crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'