Jokes

I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.

"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."

"We're on our fucking honeymoon!" I replied!

This guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"
I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she’s an optician!"

On my wedding night I knew my new bride was nervous, so as not to scare her too much while she was sitting in bed waiting for me I slipped a inch of penis around the door ,are you scared yet, NO came the reply I slipped two more inches around the door how about now No came the reply stop messing about she said,
Ok I'm coming up stairs then ..

Just been into the dvd rental shop and asked "can i have batman forever?" the girl replied, "no you can have it for 3 days like everyone else ! "then i asked" whats your best seller at the minute?"to which she replied "poltergiest, its flying off the shelves" boom boom

I'm gonna be turning my lights out this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Sod the ships, my lighthouse, my rules.

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next week!

Bloke Dials 999

Police Whats your emergency?

Bloke There are two women having a fight outside the pub

Police What are they fighting about?

Bloke They are fighting over me.

Police Sorry sir we dont class that as an emergency please call 101 and make a report

Bloke It is an emergency...The Fat One is Winning

This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.