Jokes

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means?

It’s not the end of the world

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

A young lad knocked on my door last Halloween and said, "Trick or Treat?" I said, "What have you come as?" He said, "A werewolf." I said, "but you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes." He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead."

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

Rest in peace boiling water.

You will be mist!

Why did the gym close down?

It just didn't work out!

Here, I bought you a calendar.

Your days are numbered now.