Jokes

I blame my mother for my poor sex life.

All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'

For three years my wife and I slept in bunk beds.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators.

I left early.

Little Tommy goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I take the dog for a walk?”

His mom replies, “Not now, Tommy. She’s in heat.”

“What’s heat?” he asks.

“Your dad’s in the garage. Go ask him.”

Tommy finds his dad in the garage. He says, “Dad, I wanna take Daisy for a walk but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you.”

Tommy’s dad thinks for a minute, then says, “Bring Daisy over here.”

His dad pours some gasoline on a towel and rubs it all over Daisy’s hindquarters to mask the scent.

Then he says, “Okay, you can take her to the end of the block and back, but that’s all. Don’t stop, and come right back.”

Ten minutes later Tommy is back, but without Daisy.

“Where’s the dog?” his father asks.

“Well, when we got to the end of the block Daisy ran out of gas, so another dog is pushing her home.”

A university professor was preparing her students for the next day’s final:

“Other than a life-or-death emergency involving you or your family, you must be here tomorrow at take this test. Your grade depends on it. No excuses!”

One wise guy in the back asked, “But what if I’m suffering from severe sexual exhaustion?”

After the laughter died down, the professor looked at him and said, “In that case, you’ll just have to take the test with your other hand.”

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his
apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said.
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if
a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Apparently women are more likely to give circumcised men blow-jobs rather than uncircumcised,i guess they can't resist anything with 20% off!

A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there's no women on board what will be do for pleasure??? capt.:Ohh... don't worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed! Capt.: Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!

A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."
"There's a what?"
"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy!?

Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,
"It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so
completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"
"Omg. That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered
friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the
night before, I'd be dead now!"

Don't want your friends to come over and drink all your beer during the quarantine?

Just tell them you have a case of Corona.