Jokes

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eye brows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!!'

Tampax have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons
and replacing it with tinsel.............this is for the Christmas
period only!

Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?”

Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”

Bartender: “What did you do?”

Man: “I told her to get the hell out!”

Bartender: “What about your friend?”

Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”.

I thought, “Well, which is it?”

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.

Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

I lay in bed with the Wife earlier and said, "Luv, you know how you're always going on about the patter of tiny feet? Well."
"Oh my God!" She gasped excitedly, "You want us to try for a baby?"
"No I said , we've got fucking mice in the loft."

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his girlfriend.
"Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need."
So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home.
A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting along with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"