Jokes

i feel sorry for people who dont drink,because when they wake up,thats the best they,re going to feel all day

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.

i went to anfield the other day to watch a match.a scouse lad said"can i mind your car for you mister?"i said "no! and for your information theres a rottweiler in the back" the lad said"put out fires,can he?"

i once got sacked for laughing,well,i was driving a hearse

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead,....... I'll hold your monkey for you."

i love to go to liverpool now and again.to visit my hubcaps

tony adams,on his first day in prison,was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

cheers rover that was a cracker

a bloke goes for a job at a building site and the foreman asks him"can you brew tea?"the bloke says"certainly" so then the foreman continues "can you drive a stacker truck?"the bloke replies"fuck me,how bigs the teapot?"

How to deal with a telemarketer
Make sure your sound is up

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

a woman is driving along a moterway near london when her husband rings her upon her mobile."honey,ive just heard on the news that theres a lunatic going the wrong way on the moterway you,re on" its not just one the wife replies,theres hundreds of them

A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful
woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally walks over to her and asks tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed, and so he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean two hundred dollars?"