Jokes

What’s the difference between attraction, love and showing off?

Spit, swallow, gargle.

I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting

As an adult I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?
One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.
The other's a tramp.

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.
That actually beats a record set by myself 2013, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction.
On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree.
Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.
Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry.
Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by.
They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.
"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked?
To which farmer John replied, "I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother ........!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.