Jokes

I spent £5000 on a b00b job for the wife, she was delighted,
I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic.
I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself She goes feckin mental....... Women?!?!?!

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants," he says, "a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample."
She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

Three horny Mosquitoes named Mike, John & Chuck were hanging out on a tree, checking out the fine female lightning bugs fly by. They were talking about who could have sex with the hottest lightning bug.
Mike sees a bright light fly by and land, he flies over and does the 'deed' with her. He flies back to tell his buddies that she was really hot.
John sees an even brighter light fly by and land, he flies over and does her. Flies back and tell his buddies she was hotter than Mike's lightning bug.
Chuck sees a bright red light fly by and land, he flies over pulls his 'thingie' out pokes the light and screams, comes back and both of his buddies were happy for Chuck, but Chuck doesn't look happy.
Mike asks "What's wrong, did she slap you?"
Chuck says "No"
John asks " Did she kick you?"
Chuck says "No, I think she was a cigarette".

Dave was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Adam, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law, " Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Adam said.
"Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law. "
"Yeah, sure," Dave answered.
"But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"

Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?

It’s not what it looks like!”

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!