Jokes

The new local Pastor, Mr Flaps, is walking past his local pub. As he peers thru the window, he sees one of his choir girls looking at bit worse for wear. He walks in & says "Hi it's Mr Flaps here, don't you think you have had enough to drink,especially as we are in church tomorow".
"No" slured the girl& grabbed hold of the pastor. As she fell back with him on top of her, the short skirt she was wearing hitches right up to her hips."What's going on here"? asked the landlord. "Oh, it's ok" replied the pastor. "I'm pastor Flaps" "Well in that case carry on " said the landlord.

An Arab national is interviewed at the US embassy for a visa.
Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Every day
Consul: I mean male or female?
Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even camel
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes cows and donkey too.
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, doggystyle...any style will do.
Consul: oh dear!!
Arab: No deer. Asshole too tight and run too fast

A man marries a deaf girl.
he says "We must work out a code. If I want sex I will stroke your breasts and you can reply by pulling once on my penis for YES or 162 times for NO!

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like Urine," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well, his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a month. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a month either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a month you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
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Two men and a woman are applying to join the secret service, they have passed all the interviews and are left with one final test. The secret service agent tells them they have to go into a room and shoot their partner using the gun on the table. The first man gasps and says he cant do it, the second man walks into the room but comes out a couple of minutes later saying he cant do it. The woman goes in and after a few seconds shots are heard then a few almighty bangs, when she comes out the agent asks what happened? to which the woman replies the gun was loaded with bloody blanks so i had to beat him to death with a chair.

this is an old one but i liked it the first time i heard it

what do you call a blond doing a handstand ?
a brunette with bad breath

Fred was a postman, he had been doing the same round for 40 yrs and was walking his route for the last time.

At the 1st house he was greeted by a family giving him a bouquet of flowers and a voucher for £50 along with a card and wished him well in retirement.
Several houses further on he again was greeted by a family who gave him a bottle of champagne and a card and again wished him well.

On the last house of his round he was greeted by a 25 yr old gorgeous blond with an hour glass figure in a black neglige, without a word she took his hand and led him upstairs giving him the wildest and best sex of his life, afterward she got up and went downstairs, Fred could smell bacon, sausage and egg wafting upstairs, he got himself together and went down.
On the table was a full english with a coffee and a £1.
Whats this for he asked.
Oh she replied, when I told my husband you were retiring I asked him what we should do, and he said, screw him, give him a quid, breakfast was my idea.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

What's the difference between sex and anal sex?

Sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.


One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. “Anything you say can and will be used against you,” she barks. So he looks at her and says, “breasts.”

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

A guy manages to get this hot girl back to his houseand they’re ripping off each other’s clothes when she notices the scars on his knees. “Oh when I was a kid I contracted kneesles,” he explains. “You mean measles,” she says. “Oh no, Kneesles.” So they continue undressing each other, unfazed. Until she noticed his crooked toes. “Ah I also contracted toelio.” “Don’t you mean polio?” “No, I got toelio.” Bored by his denials, she shrugs it off. Until he drops his pants. “Don’t tell me,” she laughs. “Smallcox…”

A woman goes to the doctor... “These hormone tablets you’ve put me on are having some weird side-effects,” she moans. “Really?” asks the doctor. “What do you mean?” “For some reason I’ve now got hair all over my chest.” “How far does it go down?” “That’s the worst bit,” she says. “All the way down to my bollocks.”

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."