Jokes

The missus found a spider in the kitchen, don't kill it, just take it out she said. So I took him down the pub, he is quite an interesting guy, says he is a Web developer.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m so handsome and too many other girls want me.

She also said something about chronic lying disorder but I wasn’t really listening.

I pulled out a nose hair to see if it hurt.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, I'd say 'yes'.

A Cement lorry passed me doing 100mph. I thought: "That's quick sand."

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been to Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito either. I hear no-one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an Airport, you have to be driven there..... I've made several trips.

Dwarf Police.... not much cop are they.

A PLANE crashed through my bedroom window last week. The insurance company won't pay up. They say it was my fault for leaving my landing light on.

My wife and I walked past a swanky restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food?" she said. "It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow." I thought to myself. Why not, I'll treat her. So I walked her past it again.

A BLOKE asks the dentist: "How much to pull a tooth?"

The dentist says: "Two hundred quid."

"What? Two hundred quid for five minutes work?" gasps the bloke.

The dentist replies: "Well I could pull it out more slowly and painfully for £50."

So the bloke says: "Okay, that's fine - can I book an appointment for my missus?"

OMG!. I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all My questions!