Jokes

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

I went to a couples therapy session, the counsellor said over 90% of men don't know their partners favourite flower.
That's an easy one I said, its self raising.

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’

The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv.

‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid.

‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.

The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

Another submarine manufacturer has gone under

I dreamt I was carving my own headstone.

That's a grave sign.

How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.