Jokes

My wife found out I was cheating on her.

How did that happen?

She found all the letters I was hiding.

So what happened?

She got really mad and said she would never play scrabble with me again.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know, and I don’t care.

The CEO of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He is currently assembling his cabinet.

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!” she said.

“Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.

He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Batman and Robin went to the Superheroes' Ball. Robin left Batman 'cos he wanted to try his luck at chatting up Supergirl, but after being thoroughly rebuffed ("You might be called Robin but I'm the one who can fly") he headed back for the Batcave.

Batman didn't turn up until the following morning, looking totally wasted.

"Holy Hangovers," Robin said. "What happened to you?"

"Well, Robin," Batman replied. "After you went off chasing that Kryptonian hussy I got into drinking shots with the Incredible Hulk. Here's a tip - never get into a drinking session with a super-strong, invincible monster. Anyway, after too many of those I felt really hammered, so I went upstairs to see if I could find a bedroom to lie down in. I opened a bedroom door and there was Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open."

"Holy Having It On A Plate, Batman," Robin gasped. "What did you do."

"Well, I took off my utility belt, dropped my Bat Tights and jumped on top of her."

"Holy No Foreplay! I bet she was surprised."

Batman replied, "Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man was."

Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.

Exaggerations have become an epidemic.

They went up by a million percent last year.