Jokes

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the disabled zone.

(13-12-2009 22:07 )jackobanger Wrote:  Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the disabled zone.

Lmao

Terminology used by technicians
Stuffed A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.
Fucked Terminally stuffed.
Fuck me dead A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.
Fuck it all An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.
Fucking bloody fuck An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench.
Holy bloody shit The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.
Shit, fuck, shit The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.
Shit, shit, shit Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.
How the fuck... Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.
Bloody fuck Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.
Holy fucking shit This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.
Bugger bloody fuck You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it.
NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.
Fucking damn shit I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.
Fucking bloody damn A general phrase indicating minor irritation.
Holy bloody fuck My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.
Bugger, fuck, damn An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the £1800 parts content of the job.
I don't talk to dorks like you An expression that initiates many long and meaningful meetings between your management and the customer, where your manager desperately tries to persuade the customer that something you passionately believe in has never entered your head.
If you're such a clever dick, why don't you fix the bloody thing A phrase which precedes an unusually long period before the next salary increase. Can be effective at getting you on a Customer Relations course.
Fuck off syphillis face A phrase used with customers upon being asked how much bloody longer you intend to be.
If you don't like the way I'm fucking fixing it... I was taught that a screwdriver also doubles as a cold chisel, a putty knife, a tyre lever, a door jam, a paint stirrer, a big nail, an emergency fuse link, something to lean under the tyre of your managers car, or a tool to wake snoozing apprentices (when sharpened).
Why don't you fucking buy another one If you persist in using something built during the Crimean War, of course it will sometimes break down.

So Much for Cybersex.....

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: (logged off)

Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive... and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door
don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time McDonald's closes any more.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog proper dog food instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A £7.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

If I had a pound for everytime I've had sex, I'd probably be a millionaire.

Because I'd have enough money to buy a lottery ticket.

Last night my girlfriend and I had an in depth conversation about giving birth. She said to me, "Men will never know that feeling. To experience pain, confusion and a strange sort of delight all at once"

Now like me, any men that have ever coughed whilst taking a piss will strongly disagree.

bloke comes home to find the wife painting the house,he,s really suprised because she,s also doing a good job.but the sweat is pouring off her.so he asks"why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parker" she replies"hello,it says on the tin for best results put on two coats"