Jokes

Two slices of bread got married.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour. It means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I'm on the bus to work!

Here’s a funny joke story for you:

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a kingdom known for its love for humor. The king, a jolly man, loved to laugh and had a unique tradition. Every year, he would invite jesters from all over the kingdom to tell him a joke. The jester who told the funniest joke would be awarded a bag of gold.

One year, a simple farmer named Bob decided to participate. He was known in his village for his wit and humor. On the day of the competition, Bob stood before the king and began his joke:

“Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm?” Bob asked.

The king, intrigued, shook his head. “I don’t know, why don’t we tell secrets on a farm?”

“Because,” Bob paused for dramatic effect, “the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.”

The entire court erupted into laughter. The king, laughing so hard that tears streamed down his face, declared Bob the winner. From that day forward, Bob was known throughout the kingdom as the funniest farmer, and he lived happily (and laughingly) ever after. The end.

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Robbie who was known for his lack of handiness. He was dating a girl named Lisa, who was quite the opposite - she was a DIY enthusiast and loved fixing things around the house.

One day, Lisa asked Robbie to help her assemble a new bookshelf she had bought. Robbie, wanting to impress Lisa, agreed to help. He was determined to prove that he wasn’t as lame as everyone thought.

Lisa handed Robbie the instructions and all the pieces. Robbie looked at the instructions, then at the pieces, then back at the instructions. He was completely lost. He tried to fit a piece here and a piece there, but nothing seemed to work. The bookshelf just wouldn’t “get it up”.

Seeing Robbie struggle, Lisa couldn’t help but laugh. She decided to step in and within minutes, the bookshelf was standing tall and sturdy. Robbie looked at Lisa in awe and said, “Well, I guess some things are just harder to get up than others!”

They both laughed and from that day forward, Robbie decided to leave the assembling to Lisa. And as for Lisa, she didn’t mind at all. She loved Robbie for who he was, even if he couldn’t get a bookshelf up.

First old lady to second old lady: " My joints have been really stiff lately"
Second old lady to first old lady: " I told you before, you're rolling them too tightly".

Q.Why don’t cell phones ever get married?
A. Because they already have too many connections!

Q. Why did the smartphone go to school?
A. It wanted to have better “class”!

Q.What do you call a mobile phone who can play the guitar?
A. A call-ist!

Q.Why did the mobile phone apply for a job?
A. It wanted to make some extra “calls”!

Q.What do you call a mobile phone with a rough exterior?
A. A “callus” phone!

Here's a joke 4 pun you guys!

Why don't we write life in pencil? Because there's no point in erasing the past. We can only learn from it and move forward.

Why don’t some couples go to the zoo?
Because they can’t bear it!

Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’re afraid they’ll crack up!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!

The Case of the Missing Socks

Detective Sockington was a seasoned investigator, known for solving the most baffling cases. His office was cluttered with mismatched socks, each one a potential clue. One day, he received a call from Mrs. Hosiery, a distraught woman whose socks kept disappearing.

"Detective," she said, wringing her hands, "I've lost over a dozen socks in the past month. They vanish without a trace!"

Sockington adjusted his magnifying glass and examined the lone sock she'd brought. "Fear not, Mrs. Hosiery. I'll get to the bottom of this."

He began his investigation. First, he interviewed the washing machine, which hummed innocently. "I've seen nothing unusual," it claimed. "Just a few lint balls and a rogue button."

Next, he interrogated the dryer. "I only spin things around," it said. "No sock-napping here."

Sockington scratched his head. The evidence was thin. He decided to stake out the laundry room that night. Armed with a flashlight and a notepad, he hid behind a pile of towels.

At midnight, he heard a rustling. A shadowy figure tiptoed in—the notorious Sock Snatcher! Sockington pounced, wrestling the thief to the ground.

"Who are you?" he demanded, shining the flashlight on the culprit.

It was a dust bunny. A fluffy, innocent-looking dust bunny.

"Me?" the dust bunny squeaked. "I'm just collecting lint and crumbs. Honest!"

Sockington raised an eyebrow. "And the socks?"

The dust bunny blushed. "Well, they're so cozy! I couldn't resist."

Sockington sighed. "You realize this is socknapping, right?"

The dust bunny hung its head. "I'm sorry. It's just... socks are like warm hugs for my fluff."

The detective softened. "Look, I'll strike a deal. You return the socks, and I'll provide you with a monthly lint allowance."

The dust bunny agreed, and soon, socks reappeared in Mrs. Hosiery's drawer. Sockington even caught the dust bunny knitting tiny sweaters for them.

And so, the Case of the Missing Socks was closed. Detective Sockington added a new rule to his detective handbook: "Always suspect the fluffiest suspects."

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I hope that brought a smile to your face! ?

My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.