Jokes

how women age or the ages of women:-

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

having won a competition to meet the queen,a young paul sets off for buckingham palace with his dad.the sign on the gate reads"the queen will be seeing people at 11am and 2pm.so father and son decide on the earler time.while waiting in the queue proudly wearing his new liverpool shirt,paul noitices a young lad wearing a man united top.to his horror,the queen comes out and makes a beeline for the lad in the man united top.distraught,paul runs off to his dad in tears.his dad says"dont worry son,ill get you a man united top and will come back at 2pm" come 2pm pauls back in the queue,and this time the queen heads straight for him in his man united shirt and says"i thought i told you to fuck off"

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

I bought a carpet off this girl I've been dating.

We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.

I got a herb belt for Christmas.
Complete waist of thyme.

My chinese neighbours have just given birth to a retarded son, Apparently thery're calling him.. Sum ting wong

elton john went for a tattoo, he wanted a tat on his dick of a bentley,

but the tattooist said" elton in your case i'd have a range rover tattooed on your dick!!"

elton replied puzzled "why's that then!?"

the tattooist said" because a range rover can pull better outta the shit"

I was looking for a Cheryl Cole calendar the other day, then I came across one.

I'm now banned from that shop. So I'm still looking.

Told the wife to get her glad rags on tonight as I'm taking care of dinner, and I've promised her 'The Ritz'

I've never seen anyone get so excited over a box of crackers before.

I bought my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note attached saying toys not included.

That be the Mrs Gift