Jokes

darren marries the girl of his dreams, and they go on their honeymoon. On their first night, Darren leaves the hotel room to get a pack of cigarettes in the lobby. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellboys. Another one is under her, pumping her in the ass. She’s sucking off the desk clerk, and she’s jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher at the same time. Darren screams, “What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?” She says, “Well, you always knew I was a flirt.”

a man was driving down an Alaskan road when his car suddenly broke down. Luckily he had his mobile phone, and called for a car repairman that arrived shortly thereafter. The repairman opened the car’s bonnet and after a while said “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The man replies “No, it’s just frost on my moustache.”

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System
Substance: Women
Chemical system: Wow
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to
200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

My wife is always sexually frustrated at this time of year,
the kids keep nicking all her batteries.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey…” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times.”

A traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty pounds as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his £20 in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the irate man, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

what do you call a chicken in a shell suit?an egg

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

when the london marathon was sponsored by mars,you use to get a mars bar when you finished.then,when it was sponsored by flora,you got a tub of margarine.im looking forward to running it this time.the sponsers virgin