Jokes

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

Renault and ford are going into partnership to make a new car based on the clio and the taurus. They are naming it the ' Clitaurus'...Also available in pink with a fury dash.

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

a bloke goes to the doctor with an embarrassing bottom problem."doctor,its my arse,id like you to take a look" so the doctor gets him to strip down naked"incredible" he says"thers a £20 note lodged up there.tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bum,then a £10 note appears"this is amazing"exclaims the doc,"what should i do?" the man shrieks"take it out" the doctor removes it and another £20 appears. and another,and another.they keep coming till finally the last one."thanks doctor,thats much better,just out of interest how much was there?" the doc counts the notes."£1.990" he says. ah says the patient "i knew i was feeling two grand"

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient. “The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live.” The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?” The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”, the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”

My girlfriend has got broody and started asking when are we going to have a baby.
I said, "What about all the shit and piss, the vomit, the smell and the screaming in the middle of the night?
Is that really the sort of environment to bring a baby into?"

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, “What the hell are you two doing?” His wife turns to the stranger and says, “I told you he was stupid.”

For my New Year's Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex.

If 2009 is anything to go by, I've quit.

A blind man was walking down the street with his guide dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw what was happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a disgusting deed. The blind man replied “Oh I’m not rewarding him… I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his fucking ass.”

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “if neither of you objects,” the medic said, “I could give it a try.”

Under the circumstances, the husband and wife both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s thrusts continued for several long minutes. “Hey, what the hell is happening?”

“Change of plans…” The physician panted. “I’m going to drown the little bastard!”