Jokes

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one. “Well… not exactly.” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, so she’s kinky eh?” he asked curiously. “Well… not exactly… I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

The difference between having Guts and having Balls…

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”

a guy drives over to his woman’s place for some sex action. As they are getting into it, he whips out three condoms and says “I’ve got gold, silver and a bronze, which one should we use?” Looking them over, the woman replies “Silver!” Puzzled the guy asks “Why didn’t you pick gold?” To which she replies “Because I want YOU to come second for once!”

What would be the biggest blind date turn-off?

She's wearing incontinence pants and thinks they're cool

She has a short dyke haircut that's "easier to manage"

She's smoking through the hole in her throat

Her balls are hanging from under her dress

TV Gaffes - 'I never comment on referees and i'm not going to break the habit of a life time for that prat.' - (Ron Atkinson 1997)

THE OLDER YOU GET, THE BETTER YOU REALISE YOU WERE!

a couple who have been married for five years are lying in bed after having sex.the wife says to her hubby"you make love like a decorator"her husband says"what you mean my smooth strokes and professional finish?"the wife replies "eh no!,you,re like the counsil decorators.you just bang it up,leave a right mess and i have to finish the job myself"

a newly married couple spend their honeymoon at a secluded campsite next to a small lake.every day thou the groomwas seen fishing at the lake.two old men sitting fishing nearby thought it was odd that the newlywed wasnt with his bride.curiosity gets the better of them and they ask him at lunch.the first old man says"son!when i was newl married i was in bed every minute of my honeymoon"the groom replies"normally i would,but she,s got gonorrhea"the second old man chirps in and says"havnt you heard of oral sex?"the groom says"yes,but she also has pyorrhea"the first old man says"mate at times like that you should roll her over"the groom says,"fraid not,she,s got diarrhoea"the two old men look at each other and say"gonorrhea,pyorrhea and diarrhoea,you poor fella,why,d you marry her?"to which the groom replies"she,s got worms as well,and i do love to fish"

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?

He got the sack.