Jokes

a group of soldiers are moving down the road when they hear a voice behind a hill call"just one of our soldiers is better than ten of yours"the army commander orders ten of his best men over the hill.a big gun battle goes on and then silence.the voice calls again"one is better than 100 of yours"enraged,the army commander sends 100 of his next best over the hill.15 minutes of gunfire again.then silence.finally one wounded soldier crawls back over the hill and says"its a trap sir,there was two of them"

my mother-in law suffersfrom hayfever and diabetes,so i really love buying her chocolates and flowers

old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone
when she bent over
he went up behind her
and gave her a bone of his own

man goes to primark for a materity bra for his wife.the shop assistant asks"what bust?" hubby replies"the f**king condom"

A woman slips naked in her bathroom and does the splits& ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny. Her husband tries but can't budge her so calls his mate who says i'll go get a hammer,we can break and tiles and lift her? The husband says "ok i'll lick her ear & play with her tits while ur gone." why says his mate . the husband replies " if we can get her wet maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper !

what are the similarities between a girls arse and a nine volt battery?you know its wrong but you,ve going to lick it

A boy's walking down the street when a man pulls up in his car,
Man: Hey I'll give you £10 and a bag of sweets if you get in my car
Boy: No, go away
Man: £50 and a bag of sweets
Boy: Leave me alone!
Man: £100 and a bag of sweets?
Boy: Dad fuck off! I'm not going to fucking Anfield!

treat a lady like you treat your X-box

So, shove things in its slots, only bother with it when you're in the mood, and play with it until you get bored, or it gets too hot and it's ring goes red

What do you call a woman that always interrupts?

LiveJasmin

What do you call a woman with an opinion?

Wrong.