Jokes

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Whats hairy on the outside,wet on the inside and begins with a C and ends with a T?.
A Coconut you dirty minded boys and girls.

did you hear about the lesbian who took viagra? she couldnt get her tongue back in her mouth for a week.

My mate just texted me by accident wishing me a happy Mother's Day.
Fortunately, she stayed over last night so I could pass the message on for him.

I really spoiled her today.

First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the hoovering and dusting.

I fucking love my car.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello"? She cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder.... But still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far away: "Hello, we're down here...."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

A bloke nicked my garden gate,but i didnt say anything in case he took offence.

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of the boys could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldnt help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said " you must be in year four", "No Madam" he replied, Im on Silver Arrow in the 2.15!!