Jokes

Whats a mans idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so she can vacuum.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

A white horse walks into a bar. He trots up to the counter and orders a beer. While pouring the beer, the barman says to the horse "I know a whiskey named after you." The horse says "what.... Eric?"

Knock Knock

Who's There?

William Shatner

William Shatner Who?

William Shat-in-her toilet, and forgot to flush!

On her wedding night,a bride turns to her husband and says"i used to be a hooker"hubby replies"Thats ok,your past is your past,tell me about it?" she continues"well,my name was Dave and i played for Wigan Warriors"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Good news-apparantly Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are going to re-marry.there wont be a dry nose in the house.

So I was having dinner at my local resturant and a giant duck came up to my table. It was carrying a bunch of roses, a box of chocolates and then it started singing a serenade.

I said "waiter, I ordered aromatic duck!"

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Q: why do men get confused between making love and playing hid -and-seek ? A: Because in both cases,after 2 minutes they shout-" coming ready or not ? "

What's the similarity between Richard Hammond* & Elton John?

They both have skid marks on their helmet.