Jokes

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
The wife says, "I would take half and leave you."
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here's a fiver now fuck off!"

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On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to admit them to Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter shows up, they ask him.

St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."

The couple sit and wait for an answer... for a couple of months. As they wait, they discuss whether IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, they SHOULD actually go ahead with it, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" say the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" ask the frightened couple.

"Oh, COME ON!!" St Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Q. What do you call an Italian whith a rubber toe?
A.
Roberto

[Joke removed - see PM]

Im only homophobic in the same sense that im arachnophobic.
Im not scared by spiders or gays
But i'd probably shit myself if i found one in my bath!

A blonde drops off a shirt at the dry cleaners
The lady behind the counter says ''come again''
And the blonde replies
'no its toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch''
Hehe an oldie but a goodie!

Q.
What do you call an island full of scottish comedians?
A.
Billy Colony

Q.
Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?
A.
About 10 pints

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

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Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

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and now a personal favorite of mine ...........

How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

another personal fave.........

Why are hurricanes named after women?
They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave