Jokes

A new zookeeper has just started work at the zoo. The regular, more experienced zookeeper is off for the day, and left the new younger guy in charge.

The new recruit's first task is to feed the tropical fish and clean the tanks. However, while he's climbing up the step ladder to drop the food into the tank, the ladder slips and he falls into the tank, causing the glass to shatter under the pressure and spilling all the fish over the floor.. "Oh shit!" he says and wonders how to cover it up. So he picks up all the fish, and takes them outside and chucks them all in the lion's den.

Next job is to feed the monkeys and make sure they're getting enough exercise. However, his bad luck continues and as he enters the monkey pen, his nerves fail him and he trips up, crashing into a tyre swing. One of the monkeys falls from the tree and breaks his neck.... Panicking, the zookeeper picks up the dead monkey and throws him into the lion's den.

Next its over to the bee hives, to collect the pollen from the honeycombs. But he gets nervous again with all the bees buzzing round and knocks one of the hives over, killing all the honeybees inside it... In another panic, he scoops up the dead bees still stuck to the honeycomb and chucks them into the lions den.

The next day, the regular zookeeper returns to work and goes to feed the lions. "I'm looking forward to today's food, what are we having?" the king lion says to the zookeeper. "Just standard regular meat chunks" replies the zookeeper.

"Aww thats a shame..." says the lion, "it was great yesterday..... we had fish, chimps and mushy bees....."

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

How can you tell if your date is really keen for oral sex?
she lifts her skirt every time you yawn.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

What are the two most important holes on a woman?
Her nostrils,so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.

What's the difference between Boy George and a car thief?

The car thief wouldn't have been caught, and jailed, for forcing entry into the back of an escort.

Did you hear about the new sex position in the Karma Sutra called "The Plumber"?
You both stay in all day,but no one comes.

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Bloke dashes in a pub and says to the bartender"Five pints of beer,quick as you can"The landlord quickly gets 5 glasses and fills them and watches as the bloke downs all five.The bartender says"Slow down mate,whats the hurry?" The bloke replies"You'd drink like that if you had what I've got"The barman says"And what have you got?"The bloke says "50p"

What do you call twin lesbians?
Lick-a-likes.