Jokes

I managed to get 6 numbers on the lottery last week.

My wife asked me how much I was going to give her, I said "£10".

She complained "You always told me that if you won the lottery you'd give me half".

I said "Yeah I am, half of 6 numbers is 3 numbers, that's a fucking tenner.

What do you call a Ginger in a Porn film?

Cameraman.

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a ginger bloke?
A tattoo.

An Essex girl is in bed with her boyfriend when they start to argue.she screams"how dare you call me a slapper!Now get out of my bed right now-and take your f**king mates with you"

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye gave him a kicking.

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About three stone.

Two cows in field. One says to the other : "What do you think about that mad cow disease?" The other replies : "It doesn't affect me, i'm a duck"

A couple in a pub. The hubby says to the wife : "Just going to the bar to get our drinks" and walks off. Another man approaches the woman and says : "Do you know what i'd like to do? I'd like to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and sup the lot" he then walks off. The hubby returns to see his wife looking shocked. She turns to him and points : "You see that bloke over there? Do you know what he just said to me? He said he'd like to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and sup the lot!" The hubby replies : "Well if you think i'm going to tackle someone who can drink 25 pints, you can fuckoff"

Remember,if at first you dont succeed....then skydiving probably isnt for you.

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although, I've never heard the wife moan.

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!