Jokes

I think Dawn French is a great actress. Which is strange because i don't usually like anything Lenny Henry's been in.

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

A blonde goes into PC world looking for some curtains for her laptop,The assistant says"you dont need curtains for a computer"The blonde replies"heellooo,its got windows"

I went to a fortune-teller last week, who told me a lot of money will be coming my way. I walked out excited.
Then got hit head-on by a Securicor van.

A man walks into the local cotton mill to see his friend. He talks to the supervisor. "Is Fred here?" The supervisor replies : "Sorry, you've just missed him, he gone to the fields to pick cotton, he'll be back tomorrow" "Ok" says the man. "I'll come back then" So the next day he returns and sees the supervisor. "Fred?" "You've just missed him again" says the supervisor. "You'll have to come back Thursday" So again, the man leaves. Thursday arrives, and the mans goes up to the supervisor. "Fred?" The supervisor shakes his head. "He's dead" "When did this happen?" The man replies. "Yesterday, they've buried him in the graveyard down the road" "Ok" Says the man. "He was my friend, so i'll go and pay my respects" So he goes into the graveyard and approaches his friend's grave. And do you know what it said on his headstone?

"FRED - GONE, BUT NOT FOR COTTON"

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been fucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're fucked real good."

With regards to this current dust cloud, i hear police are looking for the people who opened Arsenal's trophy cabinet..

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"

Researcher: Excuse me madam, I'm conducting a survey.
Woman: Yes, what is it about?
Researcher: We are asking people what they think about sex on the television...
Woman: Very uncomfortable, I would imagine!


During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."