Jokes

How come every time my wife gets pregnant,all her friends rub her belly and say"congratulations"but nobody rubs my dick and says"well done"

What is the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
The volcano is still blowing ash!

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."


A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

Ashley Cole was sent to prison the other day. When he was put into his cell he complained - he wanted the far wall moved back 10 yards.

An Irishman goes for job on a building site. The foreman says "Can you brew tea?" "Certainly" The Irishman replies. "Can you drive a fork lift truck?" The foreman continues. The Irishman says "Why, how big is the teapot?"

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

St Peter is sat at his desk by the pearly gates logging in all the new entrants that are queing to enter heaven. Halfway down the queue he notices a little white haired old man, dressed in a white shirt with a black waist coat, jumping up and down and waving frantically. St Peter ignores him and carries on with his job.
A while later Jesus comes wandering along and notices the odd little man jumping and waving. He asks St Peter,"Here who is that odd little chap? I wonder why he's waving?" St Peter replies "Dunno Jesus he has been like that for a while'. Jesus curious now wanders down the queue until he reaches the little old man.
'I see you are wanting attention old man, can I help you? asks Jesus.
The old man replies ' Yes I am looking for my son-have you seen him?'
'What is he like?' asks Jesus.
'He's a kindly soul, he cannot tell a lie, oh and after I made him he took on human form. If you see him let him know his father is looking for him?
How will I recognise him?' asks Jesus
The old man replies, 'ah that's easy he has holes through the palms of his hands and through the soles of his feet'
Jesus gulps and looking at his hands and feet says, 'Father it is me, the one you look for, I am your son!'
The old man squints and stares at Jesus and says, 'Pinocchio??

Walkers are to add a new flavour to their range-semen flavour.they will be marketed as "diet crisps"as 98% of woman will spit them out.

i started working for the samaritans last week.then i tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

My Mrs came home steaming drunk yesterday afternoon...
Whilst she was trying to get undressed she fell over and knocked herself out,
her knickers were round her ankles and her pussy was clearly on show.
There was no chance i was gonna miss an opportunity like this....


So i went out with the lads....

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"