Jokes

Early one morning a milkman is doing his rounds. He knocks on one door to collect the milk money.
A small boy answers the door smoking a huge joint, swigging from a bottle of beer with his arm around what looks like a call girl.
Astonished, the milkman says ''is your mum or dad in?'' the little boy replies
''Does it fucking look like it''

A pensioner is driving down the M1 when his wife calls him on his mobile.
''Albert'' she says ''please be careful when you're driving home, ive just heard on the radio that theres a maniac on the M1 and he's driving the wrong way''
''its not just one'' Albert replies
''Theres fucking hundreds of them!''

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Well it is as we always suspected....women always have to make things more difficult and complicated than needed

Sir Alex Ferguson, Ryan Giggs and Cesc Fabregas all have their homes broken into on the same night. The burglars took countless number of medals and trophies fergies house. They took all Ryan Giggs medals including his 2 champions league ones, and at Cesc's house the bastards took his microwave, toaster and kettle!

A cowboy is watering his horse when he gets ambushed by red indians. He is captured and taken to their chief for a trial. Predictably he is to be sentanced to death but the chief allows him a final wish any wish he wants. the cowboys asks if it is alright if he asks his horse to grant it, and the chief consents. the horse bolts off and comes back with a buxom blonde. she takes him off to the chiefs wigwam and he has a last bonk.
Now the chief is so impressed by this he grants a second wish which is only given under extreme circumstances. Yet again he consults his horse and the horse bolts and comes back with a brunette even more attractive than the blonde. she also takes him off to the chiefs wigwam and gives him a last bonk.

Now the chief is so impresssed with this he grants him a third final wish, which he has never granted before. The cowboy yet again request to consult the horse and the chief consents. the cowboy goes up to his horse and whispers 'for the last time I said get me some possee'

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sexy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Ray and Bob live at a retirement home on the coast in Devon (nice) they're both 85yrs and rife with alzheimers (not so nice)...

It's a lovely hot summers day and both are sitting in the afternoon shade when Bob says "You know what Ray, I could just go for an Ice-cream right now. Do you want one?"
Ray says "Thats a great idea, tell you what, I'll go get them, what do you want ?"

Bob:"Ok Ray, I want a cone with a flake in it please. make sure you write it down"

Ray: "I don't need to write that down, you want a cone with a flake, no problem.."

Bob: "thats not all though, I also want 100's and 1000s, so write it down..."

Ray: " I dont need to write it down, you want a cone with a flake and 100's and 1000's, no problem..."

Bob: "thats not all though, I also want strawberry sauce so You better write it down coz we both know what you're like..."

Ray:" I dont need to, you want a cone with a flake and 100's and 1000's and strawberry sauce, see there you go... I'll be back soon"

30 min later Ray returns and gives Bob what he's bought for him..

Bob:" whats this then eh?

Ray:" It's exactly what you asked for - a Hot Dog..."

Bob:" no it's not, where's the chips?

Blonde driving down an A-road sees another blonde in a field rowing a canoe.
She puuls over and says" It's blondes like you who give us a bad name, If I could swim I'd come and sort you out myself!

First for the ladies:
They sent one man to the moon, why did they stop?

Defininion of a man: Vibrator with a wallet. OR a Fucking complicated life support system for a penis?

Difference between a man and a vibrator? Vibrator can't mow the lawn.

For the blokes:
Q:what do you call that wasted skin around a pussy?
A: Woman

What's the difference between (THIS ONES SICK) Menstural flow and sawdust?
A: You can't gargle sawdust...

I can get sicker if anyone wants...