Jokes

The devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven vs Hell. God says, "We'll win hands down; all the greatest players who ever lived are up here." The devil replies, "That's true - but I've got all the referees and linesmen!"


Recent satellite images have shown a new ash cloud appearing over London. The latest reports show it's nothing to worry about, its just thousands of Spurs fans blowing dust off their passports


Bob gets invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is 'emotions.' Worried about what to dress as, he rings his mate Keith to discuss it. "Don't worry," says Keith, "I know what we can do." On Friday night, they stand at the doorstep of the party and ring the bell. The host answers the door to find Bob totally naked with a bowl of custard over his privates, and Keith with a pear over his plonker. "What are you two meant to be?" asks the host. "I'm f**kin' dis'custard," says Bob. "And I've come in dis'pear!" says Keith.


A man doing market research knocks on a door. It's answered by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" _"Yes," replies the woman, "My husband and I use it all the time for sex." The researcher is a little taken back. He replies, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a bike chain or to help with a gate hinge. But I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "I lifted the tail and shouted to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!" says the bloke.


Why should Guy Fawkes have a better reputation?

He's the only bloke in history to enter Parliament with honest intentions.


What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?

A chav girl has a higher sperm count.


Dave can't believe it when he gets to the final round of his favourite gameshow. "Congratulations Dave," says the host, "Answer this correctly and you go home with one million pounds! This is a two-part question on English history. The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" _ Dave decides to play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first," he says hesitantly. The host nods approvingly, and opens the envelope containing the question. "Okay Dave, here's your question: And in what year did it happen?"

How do you know if Lily Allen is at your door? Because she can't find the right key and doesn't know when to come in.

I once had a mate with 5 willys... His underpants fitted like a glove

What is the only animal with an arsehole half way up its back?

A police horse


A man goes to casualty with blood pouring from his clenched hand. "What happened to you?" asks the doctor. "My wife caught me in bed with the au pair," replies the bloke. "You're lucky," says the doc, "If my wife ever caught me in bed with another woman she'd cut my balls off." The man groans, "What do you think I've got in my hand?"


A doctor, a lawyer, and Dave go golfing. They end up playing behind a group of blind golfers. The doctor remarks, "I have an optician friend. I'll give him a call and see if he can help these men." The lawyer ponders, "I wonder if they were injured? I could help them sue those responsible." Dave says, "Can't they just fucking play at night?"


A bride, a best man and a groom are all in court over a fight that happened at the wedding. The judge asks the best man to explain what happened. He replies, "As you know, it's tradition for the best man to have a dance with the bride at the wedding." "Of course," replies the judge. "Well, I was dancing with the bride when the groom came running up to us and kicked her as hard as he could in the groin!" says the best man. "Goodness me, that must have hurt," says the judge. "You're damn right it hurt!" says the best man, "He broke three of my fucking fingers!"


A young woman goes to the doctors for a check up. The doctor says that he has to use his thermometer, and asks if it's ok to put it in her mouth. She says, "Not in my mouth, I might swallow it." " Okay let's try your armpit," suggests the doctor. "Well it might tickle me, how about my bum?" she asks. After a moment, the girl giggles, "That's not my bum, doctor!" "That's alright love," says the doctor, "It's not the thermometer either."


Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. its called Trydixagain.


What do you call a pointless race that covers 22 miles around France?

The French


A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years. "I'll shoot her just under her left breast," the hitman says.

The bloke replies, "I want you to kill her, not kneecap her!"

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are you doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

famous joke from the legendary batman comic 'a killing joke':

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

how do you teach maths to a blonde?

you subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your long division into her square root, add 9 months and pray to god she hasn't multiplied.

what do you get if you mix Viagra with Prozac?
A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.


Why is Viagra like Alton Towers?
You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, " I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The wife says......"I'll miss you"

Condoms are not completely safe. My mate was wearing one and got hit by a bus!

My wife is famous porn star. Mind you she would be really pissed off she ever found out

When Tiger Woods' Father Earl was on his death bed, he wanted to impart some words of wisdom to Tiger before he passed away.

Tiger?

Yes Dad.

When you're playing, focus on nothing but your shot.

Yes Dad.

And Tiger...

Yes Dad.

Screw everything else!

YES DAD!

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

What have a condom and a coffin got in common?

They've both got stiffs in 'em, except one's coming and the other's going?

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782