Jokes

Also from the sickapedia app:

my cock started to hurt when I was fucking this fit bird the other day, I thought I had an STI until I realized I'd just got a feather stuck under my foreskin.

I once formed a band called leper,but no record label would touch us.

It's better to borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.

Patient:Doctor Doctor,you have to help me out
Doctor:Certainly,Which way did you come in?

Estelle Getty Died 2008,
Bea Arthur Died 2009,
Rue McLanahan Died 2010
Betty White.....shitting herself right now!!!!

I had a great business plan ... I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs ... there was only one tiny flaw..

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.

Why do blondes who wear sun block never look at anyone?
The bottle says"Avoid eye contact".

A Wee Scots Tale.


A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water
from a Highland burn on the famous golf

course at St Andrews.




Suddenly, a groundskeeper shouts:




'Dinnae drink tha waater!

Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies:

'Excuse me, sport

I'm from Aus ..

Could you repeat that for me,

in English, please!?'

The keeper replies:

'I said, use two hands -

you'll spill less that way!

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you
believe?"

"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."

Vital info for upcoming World Cup. The offside rule explained for girls:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The 'opposing' female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

An old lady is in a lift.The doors open and two rich woman get in.One says"Smell that,Gucci,£50 a bottle"The other says"Sniff this,Channel No5,£60 a bottle"The old lady farts and says"Smell that-Brussels sprouts,25p a pound"