Jokes

My daughter hates it when I ring sex lines... She told me I need to stop ringing her at work, or I'm going to get her sacked.

Why has Robert Green been given the nickname "Jigsaw"?

Because he goes to pieces in the box

Next World Cup Fixtures:
Monday sees Spain meet Honduras at Joburg
Tuesday sees Germany meet Korea in Durban
Wednesday sees England meet France at the airport!

Got this in an email,it cracked me up so i thought i would share,


The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London

Ive always kept a journal and my other half does too,
so i got to thinking. I wondered if we saw things that
happened throughout our day in the same way, so i
decided to take a peek at her diary and compare the
the previous day......................................

Her entry :
Saturday
He was quite subdued,just not himself. something was wrong.
He hadn't kissed me all night. Not even looked in my direction.
I think its another woman. I went too bed and cried.
He followed me up ater.I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair.
He lay still.Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms!

My entry :
Saturday
England Lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on"; fuck off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "fuck her up the arse".

Primary school teacher says to class--- Can anyone give me a sentence with the word "Charming" in it.

Annie puts up her hand--Please miss, my mum bought me a new party dress and mum said i looked charming in it.

Sue said Please miss-- Daddy bought mummy some flowers and mummy said they were charming.

Little Johnny said--- my big sister came home last night and said she was pregnant and my dad said well that,s just charming, fucking charming!!!

I just saw the video footage of Emile Heskey blasting Volley after Volley into the net.....




...He's shit at Tennis aswell!!!!!!!!!!!

A man walks into a petrol station and says...

'Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets a Kit Kat Chunky and brings it back to him

'No' says the man, 'I wanted a normal Kit Kat you fat bitch'

Typical. I send £2 to an impoverished African family and they go and spend it on a fuckin' trumpet.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"