Jokes

Little Johnny bursts into the bathroom for a wee and is shocked to see his teenage sister in the bath naked and without hesitating says " ooh, whats that cut between your legs?"
Not having a clue what to say and feeling cornered she says" thats where the devil cut me with his axe" (what?)
Johnny says " Ouch sis, right on the cunt!"

Old and long, but I love it!

Guy sees a gorgeous girl in a crowded club and goes over to try his luck.
He leans in close to her and says: I think you are stunning and you have started a fire deep inside me that makes me want to start kissing you all over starting with your neck and working my way down your..."
She cuts him off and says that her Large boyfriend is going to be back from the toilet at any time...
Undeterred, He continues:" then I'm going to take off all your clothes and lick then suck on every inch of your luscious body, then..."
she cuts him off again and says that she can see her bodybuilding partner on his way...
Still the guy continues:"then I'm gonna turn you up-side down, fill your fanny with beer and down the lot!"

Just then, a Man - Mountain turns up and asks his girlfriend if she's ok.
She tells him:" This guy here says he wants to start by kissing my neck..."
The boyfriend starts taking his coat off...
She goes on:" thats not all, he said that he wanted to take off all my clothes and lick me all over..."
The boyfriend rolls up his sleves revealing mis-spelled tatoos...
She continues:" then he said he's gonna turn me upside down, fill my fanny with beer and down the lot..."
The boyfriend puts his coat back on and begins to leave...
The Girl says: What are you doing? give him a smack for being so disrespectful !
The boyfriend says:" No way, anyone who can drink THAT much beer, I Aint fighting!

what is the difference between an egg and a wank?

you can beat an egg.

a Majour in the army goes to an officers ball and eats to much drinks to much. so much so, he gets rowdy, gets himself into such a fierce row, that he gets offered a duel by one of the other officers.

Thankfully one of his diplomatic lieutennants manages to calm things down and puts him into a taxi and escorts him to his quarters. the next day his servant is going through his clothes and of course there is food, drink and puke stains all over his clothes and he is naturally embarassed by it all.

so as to save face he thinks on his feet. 'can you believe that? one of my officers knocked his drink all over me then puked up all over my jacket. when i find out who did this i am going to put him into military prison for a week'
the servant looking unimpressed says 'I suggest you make it a month sir'
and when ask why he replied 'the bastard crapped in your underpants as well'

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

654321 Wrote:One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

PMSL !!!! I have just wet myself literally- I have done a wee I couldn't help it- got to change my thong now. Fooking funny that- cheers.

A man goes into the Butcher's & asks 'how much is it for a venison steak' ? ' £40' says the Buthcher,'bloody hell' the man says ' That's Deer' !!

Stacey Wrote:

654321 Wrote:One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. , and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

PMSL !!!! I have just wet myself literally- I have done a wee I couldn't help it- got to change my thong now. Fooking funny that- cheers.

not the intended impact lol..... But I aim to please lol

what is a mans idea of helipng with the house work?

lifting his feet up whilst she does the hoovering.

what is the difference between a mans penis and his paycheck?

He does not have to beg his wife to blow his paycheck.